When I was very little, I was always the first one awake, the first one out of bed and out of my room. I got to turn the coffee pot on and hear the morning farm report that came on at six and started the broadcast day. Sometimes I saw the static that preceded it and the national anthem tape that was probably made in the fifties.
Then things started to change. My father didn't have time for breakfast anymore. Once I was introduced to the concept of homework, I was also introduced to the idea that if it involved reading, writing, or math, mine was probably wrong. Eventually, if I couldn't get somebody to check my homework before school, I just didn't turn it in. I'd rather have a zero for not trying than to be told all the places I was wrong.
Eventually, my brother down the hall began to change into something very different from what he was before. One of the reasons I write about him, and try to be really very honest about it, is because there are lots of people who never knew him before he became ill. I'd like for there to be more to his legacy than what became of him.
Before I learned how broken I was, how broken the world around me could be, how people who don't mean any harm to anyone can suffer for no reason, before all that, I was the first one to get up in the morning. I loved the morning. I loved the rising sun and the opportunity of a new day.
Sometimes, I get all that back. Sometimes feist-dog pulls the covers off me, and I'm out of bed before the alarm goes off. Sometimes, I go into the sun thinking, "Boy, I'm lucky!" But not every day. Not anymore.
The world wore on me pretty roughly. If it was just on me, I think it'd be ok, but when I look around, a lot of people who never did anyone any harm got it a lot worse. Somedays, the world is a blank canvas ready for opportunity. Some days the world is a gauntlet testing how much you can take.
I was a pretty timid boy. Especially when it came to talking to strangers. It wasn't so bad with grownups. I think I was expecting them to understand that I stuttered, maybe even be amused by it. I always loved the world though, and loved getting out in it. There are days when I get all that back, and then there are days when I just want to keep the door closed and the lights out as long as I can.
Mississippi is full of wonders when you're little. It's full of doubts and fears when you're old enough to see the world as it is. That glimmer of childhood optimism never really dies, though. If it didn't die after all the things I did to it, then it's immortal.
The world starts when you turn on the lights and open the door. The world is filled with challenges but even more opportunities. There's an imaginary dog that tells me this when I remember to listen to him.
