The Great War

From childhood, I've been reading, in the bible, in comic books, in novels, in songs, in video games, in movies, and television, that I should prepare for and fight in a great war between good and evil.  To be honest, the idea thrilled me.  I prepared and waited, ready to spring.

But, I never encountered anyone or anything that was evil.  Everything and every one had another side to whatever they were doing.  The great war between good and evil, turned out to be a war between what is good and what is evil.  Everyone thinks they're on the side of good, and anyone who opposes them is evil.

There actually are works that tried to prepare me for this.  Books like The Watchmen, V For Vendetta, and sometimes Punisher, but those came fairly late in my comic book reading cycle.  The Greeks sometimes addressed these issues.  Stories like the moral dilemma of Electra or Philoctetes fascinated me, even though I never really faced those issues.  

I depend on the bible a lot; it's my cultural mythology, but between the first word and the last word is a span of as many as a thousand years, so the bible often has conflicting and contradictory points of view on issues.   I have issues with the first parts of the Bible, written by Levite priests but attributed in antiquity to Moses, even though I'm convinced Moses never wrote a word himself, and it's unlikely Aaron did for him.  The commandments, I'm convinced, were an entirely oral tradition for hundreds of years before anyone wrote them down; that's why there are sometimes differences in their order and wording.  

Instead, I focus on the words of Jesus.  Not the words of Paul, or the words of Jerry Fallwell, or the words of Pat Robertson, but the words Jesus himself said.  While Jesus himself never spoke to some of the issues, we have today, like abortion or gay rights, or gun control, the words he did say were general and wise enough to guide me in forming a position.  That's the problem, though; they guide ME, and someone else may read the same words and come to a completely different position.

There is a great battle coming, and it is over good and evil, but the greatest trick Satan ever did was making both sides believe they stand for good.  You never had that problem with Orcs or Sentinals.  In the end, this great mind full of words cannot guide me.  I have to go with heart, and that's a gift from the women of my childhood.  

We may meet.  We may cross swords in battle, a battle of good and evil.  I will still love you, but I fight for the good of the world and the oppressed and the wounded and the ostracized as Jesus taught me to, as Jesus did himself.   I'm in the battle to win.  Not for me; I'm old and have no real needs.  I'm in it for them because they have my heart, and they deserve a life of light and days without pain.

seeds in the dark

A child in my crib

I saw my brother move around the world freely

creating dreams and monsters and missions from paper and clay and the space between his eyes

I wanted only to be like him

in time, bad luck, bad drugs, bad choices, bad timing, bad stars, stubborn thinking, all the shit that happened in his life scared me away from monsters and missions and making things from paper and clay.

Finance! I thought, marketing, administration. That's for me.  I'll sit on boards and chase debutants.  I'll play golf.  I'll join the country club.  I'll do anything except be an artist.  

a world not made for me, and I not for it

that world was a desert around me.  oceans and oceans of sand, without a leaf of life to be found

Then the day he died, I thought: "where are we now, brother?  Where are we now?  

You're dead; I'm broken.  Neither of us are creating anything.  Where are we now?"

a failed experiment.  I thought.  and I closed my eyes on the world.

The world doesn't work that way, though.  

Seeds sprout in the dark.  They push. They strain.   Their tendrils break through anything to find the light.  

A tree grew in me.  Its boughs and branches broke down every wall I built around them.  

a life tree.  a world tree.  Stronger than I ever imagined.

A tree, from a seed, given me by my brother, when I was a baby in the crib

The Gates

 When I again opened the gates of my heart

I found waiting outside:

my family, my friends, my home

my art, my strength, my love

I found

the wounded, the broken

the dying, the abandoned

the fearful, the tearful

the hopeless, the hopeful

I found

allies, brothers, companions, sisters

warriors, engineers, artists, architects,

poets, singers, painters, acrobats

I found 

doctors, healers, pastors, shepherds

I knew that they were there all along

but I was afraid

to live among them.

now that I'm here, 

all I want is to give away all that was hidden inside me

and hope that it is enough.

choices

I'm older than the gnarled trees around me My body is broken from bad choices and bad experiences I remember when these trees were planted Songs of change Songs of protest songs of regret call to me... we did our best didn't we? didn't I? I'm tired. I want to rest call to me there are new voices new bodies call to me it's their future now. not mine call to me my sword call to me my sword is BROKEN call to me I don't even know where the pieces are call to me if I do this call to me IF I DO THIS, will you leave me alone call to me will I find peace? call to me Love? love never left you. If I do this, will we win, will it last? there are no promises you're not calling from outside of me, are you? come to me you're within me, aren't you? come to me that's why I could never escape this you never could my hands are already there come to me let this be the hour. let us fight together. for the future we will never see.