If I had a muse

 They say that every writer has his muse.  They've said this for quite a long time.  Still, I'm not entirely sure what it means.  

A muse, I suppose, is a memory of someone or something that pushes you to create.  Sometimes it's a beauty that inspires, but more often, it's a wound that won't heal or a memory that can't resolve itself.

Williams' muse, they say, was probably his mother.  Her name was Edwina, but on stage, she was Amanda, Cat, Blanche, and more.  Memories of his mother and her efforts to deal with the declivity in her life inform nearly all of his work.  It's not a loving memory, either.  A muse doesn't have to be a pleasant force.    

Shakespeare had his "Dark Lady."  Nobody really knows who she was, although there are some interesting theories.  It's very likely that she was no Anne Hathaway, his wife.  

Wilde's muse was a beautiful young man that sent him to prison and kicked off the Victorian effort to eliminate homosexuality.   Queensbury was very clearly the inspiration for Dorian Gray.  Known for his chamber comedies, his most revealing work is a gothic horror about a murderous young man with a mirror that kept him beautiful--very much a description of his experience with Queensbury.

If I have a muse, it's an imaginary dog a man on the radio talked about when I was a very little boy.  There are certain memories of smokey-eyed beauties that sometimes motivates my work, but feist-dog is the summation of my life from my flickering waking into sentience through my life until the day my father died.  Feist-dog is a well of all the souls that moved in the firmament above me when I was young, including Jim Neal, who invented him--although I'm sure even he would admit that Feist-Dog really came from Faulkner, and Faulkner would most likely say, Feist-Dog came from the fecund dark loam of Mississippi.  

One of the reasons there are so many great writers from Mississippi is that being from Mississippi is a very complicated thing, and living here is still complicated, even if you're not from here.  I include Memphis in my definition of Mississippi because it's more delta than it is mountain.  The northernmost point of Mississippi is the fountain in the Peabody Hotel.  

What makes Mississippi complicated is we'll kill you for acting up.  We'll kill you for being different, but then we'll invite you into our home to watch over our infant children.  We send our children to cotillion so they'll have proper manners, and we'll have debutante balls so our daughters can lead the next generation into polite society.  

If a muse is a thing that pushes you to write and gives you things to write about, then my muse is an imaginary dog that holds Mississippi inside of him.  

In Absalom, Absalom! Quinten Compson is asked why he hates the South; he famously says, "I don’t, I don’t! I don’t hate it! I don’t hate it!”  That's very likely a reflection of Faulkner's complicated feelings about his homeland.  Faulkner died in Oxford.  He had the money to go anywhere, but he died in Oxford.  He may have hated the South, but he never left it.  

Faulkner nursed large quantities of bourbon while his muse bubbled over in his brain.  Miss Eudora did, too, but in much lesser quantities.  Twelve years younger than Faulkner, they will always be the bookends of Mississippi writers in my mind.  Everyone else fits between them.  

Ultimately, I don't know what makes anyone write.  Whatever it is, sometimes it won't let me alone.  On nights like tonight, when I just can't stop writing, it's not hard to imagine a little dog fiercely tugging my pants leg, trying to force me to do something; I don't know what.  

Andy Griffith and Atticus Finch.

Before he got old and started putting on weight and losing his hair, My daddy bore a strong resemblance to Andy Griffith in terms of dress and speech, and mannerisms.  There was a time, in the seventies, when he wore sideburns down his cheek toward his chin, but Billy Nevill told him that looked silly, and that was the end of that.  My mother had told him the same thing, but there are things a fella just needs to hear from another man.

Among Southern men of my dad's generation, Griffith was a pretty good model for behavior.  Being white and male and from Mississippi was reviving criticism all over the world, so I can imagine many men seeking a way of saying, “I’m not one of those types of men.”

Another role model for men of his generation was Atticus Finch.  Most lawyers I knew (and a fair portion of doctors) did their best to take on the airs of Gregory Peck.  Peck’s portrayal of Finch was not only not offensive, he was positively heroic, and for men born in the twenties and thirties in Mississippi who had been through World War II and Korea, being heroic was just about all they wanted to do.  

These men were in their thirties when the Civil Rights movement broke out in Mississippi.  They were still too young and hadn’t ascended to their full adult potential economically, politically, or socially, but they would be judged their entire lives by what happened in those years.

For men who never ventured outside of Mississippi, it wasn’t so bad, but for men whose business took them to different latitudes and different longitudes, being from Mississippi could be used against you.

Daddy taught me to turn my accent on and off.  Some people found it charming, while some people found it offensive, so I learned.  My sister is better at it than me, but she’s also more charming than I am.  

When I went to Los Angeles or Chicago for business, I had o be conscious of this.  In Hollywood, once, a gentleman in his cups approached me and said, “I’m a Jew!”  

Taken aback but also a bit in my own cups, I said, “Hello, I’m a Methodist.”  Then he said, “If they had their way, people like you would kill people like me, wouldn’t you?”

He must have been an Irish Jew because he clearly wanted to have a bar fight.  His accusation of me hurt me more than his knowledge that Mississippi was sometimes cruel to Jews hurt him, but not by much.  We were at a stalemate.  

I wasn’t going to fight this man.  When you’re my size, you learn to either not fight or be thought of as less than fully human and certainly not a gentleman your whole life.  I was already having a problem with that this night.   

Even though I’d been raised with the Andy Griffith model of Southern manhood, that night, I switched to Atticus Finch and explained to this man the history of Jews in Mississippi, including the bombing of Beth Israel.  I told him about Emmitt TIll and Medgar Evers.  My plan was that if I owned up to what happened and showed that I fully understood the gravity of what happened, I could convince this man that I, Boyd Campbell, had no desire to kill any Jews, least of all the ones drinking with me on Hollywood boulevard while I try to imagine myself back in the thirties when some of the movies I love the most were being shot over on Gower Street.

I don’t know who young Southern men model themselves after now.  I don’t know how many of them have even seen Gregory Peck as Atticus Finch or read the book.  I suspect the prejudice against us still exists, though.  It’s gonna take a lot for that to wear off.

“Buddy, you need to know that your accent can work for you, or it can work against you.  You need to learn to control it and figure out what’s right for the situation you’re in.”  Daddy and Andy Griffith are both gone now, but I figure that’s still pretty good advice

W. B. Selah Clarion Ledger

The following is a printed statement from Dr. Selah, after the Galloway Board enacted rules that would bar Freedom Riders from entering Galloway for service.  I was six months old.

Clarion Ledger
Jan 7, 1963 Monday 

Selah States Stand On Race Integration

By THE ASSOCIATED PRESS 

The pastor of the largest Methodist congregation in Mississippi said Sunday he believes forced segregation is wrong and advocates voluntary desegregation of all public facilities.

Dr. W. B. Selah of Galloway Memorial Methodist Church in Jackson stated his beliefs in answer to an Associated Press query about his position concerning a statement last week by 28 young Methodist ministers endorsing an official "no discrimination" church position.

Since the “born of conviction” statement was published last Wednesday in the Mississippi Methodist Advocate, the movement has slowly added numbers and age to its list of supporters.

However, the bishop of the Mississippi and North Mississippi Conferences, Dr. Marvin A. Franklin, said Wednesday he would not like to be quoted concerning the statement and has maintained silence since.

Thursday, Dr. J. P. Stafford, lay leader of the Mississippi Conference, praised the statement as "very worthwhile." He said "it is hard for many of us to go along with the great Methodist Church and changing times, in matters of race, but this is an adjustment Christians can make." 

As lay leader, his position in the conference is roughly the lay equivalent of that held by Bishop Franklin among the clergy. Dr. Stafford's remarks will appear Wednesday in his column in the Advocate.

Francis B. Stevens, a Jackson attorney, an associate lay leader of the Mississippi Methodist Conference, said Saturday he endorsed the statement of the 2 young ministers. He said that a climate of "fear and hatred, created by pressure groups, had kept many Mississippians silent on the race issue.

Also last Thursday, 23 ministers along with Dist. Supt. W. I Robinson of Tupelo voted "enthusiastically" to endorse the original statement of the 28, which did not ask desegregation and made few specific references outside of a denunciation of communism, but stressed the freedom of the pulpit.

Dr. Selah's statement, however, tackled racial questions direct and answered them directly. The church's own obligations in racial matters was the central theme of Dr. Selah's statement Preference for segregated worship is not sinful, he said, but sin is committed when a church erects a color bar.

"I've been saying it-announcing those principles (in his statement) lots of times," Dr. Sela said. His 17 years at Galloway mark the longest tenure in a Mississippi Methodist church.

He said most of his statements Sunday came from a sermon delivered at Galloway on Nov. 19, 1961. He has had it, entitled it "Brotherhood," put into print. His statement Sunday bore no title

Dr. Selah's statement is as follows:

"Jesus said, 'One is you Father and you are all brothers’ The doctrine of the Fatherhood of God and the Brotherhood of man is fundamental in Christ’s teaching. For seventeen years I have preached the law of Christian love from the pulpit of Galloway Methodist Church. This law means that we must seek for all men, black and white, the same justice, the same rights, and the same opportunities that we seek for ourselves. Nothing less than this is Christian love. To discriminate against a because of his color or his creed is contrary to the will of God. Forced segregation is wrong. We should voluntarily desegregate all public facilities. We should treat men not on the basis of color but on the basis of conduct.

"In the light of Christian principle, there can be no color bar in a Christian church. It is not sinful for white people to prefer to worship with white people or for colored people to prefer to worship with colored people. The sin comes when a church seeks to erect a color bar before the Cross of Christ. As Christians, we cannot say to anyone, 'You cannot come into the house of God.' No Conference, no preacher, no official board can put up a color bar in the church. That matter is determined by the nature of Christianity which is an inclusive fellowship of those who seek the Lord. The house of God is a house of prayer for all people. black and white.

"When a person seeks membership in the church he is not asked about the color of his skin. He is asked about his faith in God as revealed in Christ. Salvation is not by color but by faith. There can be no color bar in a Christian institution.

"Race prejudice is a denial of Christian brotherhood. Any kind of prejudice racial or religious weakens the nation by dividing it into hostile groups. It sets race against race, church against church. This plays into the hands of the Communists and makes it easier for them to do their diabolical work.

"Every American citizen, black or white, is entitled to the best educational opportunity the state affords. In our struggle with Communism we need to offer all our people the best possible training; for in the long run the fight for freedom will be won by that nation which produces the finest brains and the best character. The public schools must be kept open.

"No doubt there are some places where laymen expect the preacher to echo their opinions. The freedom of the pulpit must be maintained. The preacher must get his message not from the community but from Christ. He must state his convictions and allow others to disagree. I'm sure that many of my people disagree with things I say. But they want me to declare my convictions. "Think and let think' is the genius of the Methodist Church. Thoughtful laymen will demand a free pulpit. Only a free pulpit inspires people to think.

"All these things I have stated to my people many times before."

Not What I Expected In Church

I'm probably gonna get in trouble for this.  Don't you love it when I have to start with a disclaimer like that?  I'm not gonna lie and say something like "some people feel" or "there is a perception" This is what I feel, my perception, me, nobody else, and I'm just vain enough to think that hearing it might help something somewhere.

When I was in high school, at an expensive, upper middle class, mostly white, private school, I had four unlikely friends from football that became known as The Travelers.  Someone suggested we took the name because that was the name of Robert E Lee's horse, but Mike Shepherd said, "No, man, That's Trigger!" and that was that.  We called ourselves Travelers because, in my old Ford LTD, we traveled three in the back seat and two in the front seat and saw Mississippi.  

We took our white privilege, little prince asses, around Mississippi and saw things we never would have been exposed to in our Fondren Neighborhood high school.   We nearly got arrested for driving the wrong way down the only one-way street in Bolton, Mississippi, but it was ok because the cop was drunk and sent us home.   We met the famous wrestler Ernie Big Cat Ladd and bought him dinner at Jobie Martin's chicken restaurant and lounge and danced with women much older than us while Jobie promised if he ever got his show back, he wanted us to be on it.  We would have too, but he never got his show back.

We visited Charles Evers at his radio station often enough that he knew our names.  The engineer let us in while he was on the air, and he'd talk to us while the record played.   He, too, promised to put us on the air but never did.  To us, he wasn't the guy whose brother was murdered because he fought to integrate Mississippi.  He was a guy on the radio who was willing to talk to us.  

Back at school, James Meridith wasn't the guy who integrated Ole Miss or even the guy who got shot marching for more integration; he was the dad of two kids in our lower school.  Ed King was a guy I ran into over and over with issues relating to Millsaps.  Sometimes, we were on the same side.  Sometimes, we weren't.  He's in my Sunday School now.

I mention these names because I was born at a time and in a place where the Civil Rights movement to liberate the descendants of African Slaves in Mississippi was very real and very present, and people who made real and genuine sacrifices weren't just names in a textbook, they were people I would meet and know under other, less painful, circumstances.

Knowing these people and knowing what they went through and seeing some small bit of it firsthand made me realize they understand more about bigotry and oppression than I ever could.  As much as I tried to understand them, their experience was so much larger and more real than mine.  

To me, black Southerners had a perspective on alienation that made them experts, and became people whose perspective I sought when discussing the alienation of others.  While nobody had it as bad as them, their experience offered insight into other oppressed people that I consider valuable.

There have been times when I expected Black Southerners to fight against the oppression of other people in one way and got something entirely different.  It's impossible for me to judge them.  Their experience is not my experience, and just because they may once have suffered doesn't make them obligated to think one way or another, but it makes things difficult when they stand in the way of someone else's liberation.

Because she is black, I expected Mississippi's new United Methodist Bishop to see something familiar in the act of civil disobedience performed by Elizabeth Davidson and the Paige Swaim-Presley.  I thought she would see it, as I see it, as two young ministers fighting for the civil rights of their congregants.  The Bishop didn't agree.  I can't judge her for that.  I haven't been through what she's been through in life, and she has an awful lot more concerns in this matter than I do, but her reaction was very different from what I expected.  

I'm not alone in confusion about how to respond here.  There's been maybe eight people I've looked to for spiritual leadership in my life more than all others.  Three are dead, and one has dementia.  Two of these people were discussing the Bishop's response, in this case, yesterday at Sunday School.  To my way of thinking, that's a pretty high-level conference in the United Methodist Church.  They felt like, as I feel that the Bishop was being unusually harsh with Elizabeth and Paige.  They also felt like she wasn't following the procedure set out in the Book of Discipline in cases like this.  Normally, I'd say that aspect was an issue for a lawyer; fortunately, there happened to be a few of them present.  You can't swing a dead cat at Galloway without hitting three lawyers.

I had hopes that a Black woman from the South would have been more sympathetic to this case, not less, but that's not what happened, and I have to respect that, and I do respect that, but I'm not satisfied that this is over.  I'm told there's a chance that Paige and Elizabeth will be defrocked.  They might go to another denomination, but they'd have to start the process of becoming a minister all over again.  I've seen that happen before, but I sure would like to keep people with their kind of energy and conviction within the UMC.

So, I sit in church, and I see empty spots on the pews where people I knew and loved once sat.  They lived their entire lives without being able to share with their beloved church what they were.  I see people who are still alive and who have lived a long full life in the church that, despite all, still doesn't accept them as equals.  I see young people, so full of life and promise, who I worry the church will lose because we cannot say they are equal to me.  I can say it.  I can hold them as much higher than me, but until the Book of Discipline says it, until our Bishop supports actions in that direction, I can't say that my job is done.  I can't say that our church loves them as much as me, even though it should love them more.

Life in Mississippi is complicated.  Life as a Christian is too.  Somehow people here always find room for rejection and alienation.  I don't get that.  We barely have enough talented people to make Mississippi work; I don't see how excluding anyone helps anything.  I can't parlay our bishop's experience as a Black Woman in the South into mercy and acceptance for two young pastors and two even younger Millsaps students in love.  To me, that tracks as my not being able to understand the experience of Black Southerners, Women, or Lesbians well enough to bring them together.  I accept that, but I'm not giving up.   I don't exactly know where to go from here--but that's never stopped me before.  Mississippi isn't a story that ever ends.  Sometimes, it doesn't even change that much.  I'll keep turning the pages, though.  After me, someone else will.  There is progress, but man is it ever slow.